2011 - is a year of EMERGING.
I am emerging from the cocoon that has held me tight, protecting me, allowing me to grow and metamorphose. The cocoon has at times felt like a trap, a prison and perhaps I have stayed much too long. Just maybe I have been afraid to be all that I may be. Maybe I spun extra layers of safety. Layers spun out of fear of failure, fear of being unlovable, fear of never being enough. Fear. Not soft, caressing silk. Not a pliable, disposable ektoskeleton.
No, fear is thick, almost impermeable. It suffocates. It blocks life-giving light. It extinguishes oxygen and sucks out all growth inducing nutrients. Fear. A horrible nemesis to becoming who one is meant to be. But if one can break through such a cocoon, and take all the lessons learned, all the pain suffered and finally emerge, one is sure to be a magnificent specimen. Just watch what I will emerge as, this very year. This is my year.
First I must own the very stuff that my protective shell is composed of – really from which it has been forged. Truly I have always feared I would never be enough. Not good enough for my Heavenly Father. Certainly not good enough for my earthly father. And most likely never good enough for a good, kind man to love. It doesn’t matter any more why this feeling developed or from whence it came. It is. It has been my core since as long as I can remember. Always wanting to please. Always wanting to be perfect. Not in a “everything I make and do must be perfect”. No, that misconception is what hid this feeling of perfectionism for so long from my own recognition. It is not anything outwardly that I do…it is me, who I am. My very being, I have to be perfect or I am unlovable. Who I am, not what I do. If I am not perfect, you cannot possibly love me or want to be with me. If I am not perfect, how can the Lord be anything but disappointed in me? When others compliment me, or praise something I have done, or express love or appreciation for who I am, my first thought is, “They are just being nice” or “Sarcasm” or “If only they knew how much better it should have or could have been.” I doubt every word of praise, admiration, or appreciation. I view everything, every relationship as temporary, as precarious – ready to topple as soon as they realize or tire of me. I stay behind the wall of my cocoon, keeping back, trying to give and love them without truly allowing anyone to get too close to my fragile self. If I truly let them in, they won’t like me. Or just as bad, they’ll go away. They always go away. I have to be strong. I have to be able to stand alone. In the end I’m all I have. Everyone else has others. But I must protect myself. Sometimes a moth will put feces, rough hair, sticks, etc in their cocoon as they spin it, to protect themselves. To keep predators away. I have used my weight as the feces of my cocoon. It keeps me safe. It is my scapegoat. My weight makes me unlovable. It is not I who is undesirable. Not who I really am. If only I was thin….
But what if I emerge from my safe cocoon and I still am undesirable? What if I can’t fly? What if my wings are discolored? What if …
Fear be damned!!! I will no longer live in fear. I can no long be trapped by fear. I am peeling away the cocoon of self-recrimination, self-loathing, entitlement (who says I was entitled to a perfectly happy youth, parents who adored me no matter what, parents who loved and respected each other, an intact, closely woven family unit, a society that taught correct principles and allowed girls to understand their true worth, a man who cherished me?), and layer upon layer of fear.
I am emerging. Michelle. Imperfect. Needy. Fallible. Somewhat lazy. Unfocused. Easily distracted. Still yearning for love. A cloud of fear still lurking about. But look at the colors on those wings!! Creative, fun, unquenchable desire to learn and experience life, loads of love for others, cheerfulness, solid in faith, and persistent. Yes, I have persevered and I will continue to. And I have been blessed with lots of the energy of life to fly forth from this cocoon. Face the fears, the failures, the future – no matter what. And just this miracle of flight, given to me and sustained by my Heavenly Father, gives me joy and hope! Come what may. I am never going back into that cocoon. I am emerging – the true Michelle. The one who stood shoulder to shoulder with her loved ones on the side of the Savior and fought for this earthly experience. The Michelle who knows deep inside that she is truly a daughter of God which is in no way a trite statement but a declaration of inheritance, of potential, of worth. That no matter what storms may try to bring me down, no matter what predators may try to destroy me, I know why I fly, I know how my great Creator took all the sorrow and hardship and transformed it into the strong, beautiful wings that grace my emergence and flight through life.
I am casting off the cocoon of fear. Disposing of the layers of fat that have been the building material of this cocoon. Reclaiming my healthy, beautiful, imperfect body. I am a healthy, physically fit, active, creature of flight. Watch me soar!!!
