Yes! I'm On My Way!

Last night I was waiting outside my friend's apartment for him to come let me in. An attractive, foreign man kept watching me, then walked passed and said hello, then circled back. He started his pick-up routine just as my handsome date appeared. Foreign men and non-Mormon (I'm Mormon) seem to like me. They recognize that my weight is just one small aspect of who I am. They see past the extra pounds to the beautiful woman I am. They see me. I love this quote, "You are not fat, you have fat. You have fingernails but you are not fingernails." Mormon men see my weight which negates any true qualities I have in their minds. Sad. Sad for women and sad for them. I have held on tightly to that weight, partially as a protection against such idiocy (my dad was the first one to teach me that my worth was directly tied to my weight). I'm ready to let go. It really doesn't matter what I look like, how old I am, what my marital status, career, worldly success is, I am  a daughter of God, created in their image and I am a wonderful person! I have tons of friends who see more than I see, but I'm starting to see it. I have lots of love in my heart and get along with most people. On my mission people used to tell me "du strahlst!" - you shine! People say, "Michelle lights up the room when she walks in." It was a gift the Lord gave me. A certain happiness and love for life and people. My shine has been dimmed and tarnished a bit, but the Lord and I have been polishing it up and I'm ready to shine again! I've got important work to do in this world and one the gifts I need to be sharing is love! One of my trainers in the Missionary Training Center said to me when I was questioning what I could give the German people said, "Michelle, you have so much love and such a happiness. The Germans need that." Don't we all? All of us have such hard things we're dealing with. Most of my friends have faced or are facing really challenging trials - I can lift their burdens, help carry the load.

 I haven't loved myself for so long, or felt that the Lord has approved of me or been pleased with me because I was never good enough. Such a lie of the deceiver! He's always loved me. His love is not conditional on how "perfect" I am, how much I do, what I weigh or even what mistakes I make! He came to heal, to love, to let us be perfect in Him. Oh, how I love Him! He has been working overtime healing me these last few years. First from feeling that I'd let him down, then from being abused to the point of feeling completely worthless, and now from all the parental criticism (both his and my own critical parent dialogues). The Lord is finally breaking down the big, thick walls I built around my little heart and reprogramming my brain. Watch out world! I'm coming back! With all the huge amounts of energy in my little body, all the love the Lord blesses me with, my happy self and love of life - let's change this world!!

So - quote of the week - Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.   - Cohen

Ready to move on!! Letting go of the protective suit of excess weight. Counting on the Lord and the gift of discernment to make sure I marry one of the few men who don't equate body with worth. But I'm ready to live again! All the things I so love to do - mountains, hiking, backpacking, swimming, biking, racquetball, dancing, theater! And all sorts of new things!! This is the life and the mom I want for my boys!

I've already released ten pounds and I never want to see them again. Their repressive friends will be joining them in the next few weeks and months. I'm reclaiming myself!!! Wahoo!

Secret Desire - Triathamom 2013

It's true - I have a secret desire to participate in "Triathamom" next summer. I know it seems utterly and completely impossible with my dreadful track record of sticking to absolutely nothing except loving my boys! Plus I'm 120 lbs heavier than I want to be/should be. Oh, and did I mention in the worse physical condition I've ever been in - like winded EASILY, tired A LOT, and basically a major wimp! 1 mile on a bike just about kills me, no I mean it. 1 baby mile! Walking to school and back (abt 2 miles) - can't wait to hit the couch. Swimming a lap and back - heavy breathing and screaming muscles. SO... triathamom is a 5k run (I never run - but maybe I can walk it), 300m swim (approximately 4 times as many laps as I currently swim without stopping), and a 13 mile bike ride - did you hear that? Nay read that?! 13 miles!!!! I know - it's pitiful that those relatively small amounts are overwhelming and undoable for me, but them are the facts folks. Thus, even contemplating such a task as a triathalon - even a mini one, is absolutely ridiculoso!! And yet....I really kind of want to. Now I've wanted to lose 100 pounds for years now and have only gained back what I did lose, plus a few new hanger-oners. I'm great with lots of fabulous ideas, but horrible on follow-through. Impossible. And yet....Maybe....Maybe this time....I kind of want to succeed this time. Truly. I can't do it by myself. I'll need the Lord's help undoubtedly. I love food. I love sweets - really love them. I am an addictive eater. Food is my drug and I am a full-on abuser. I'm in such horrible shape that any work-out seems, well, completely overwhelming. And yet.....I have really enjoyed swimming and water aerobics this summer. If we keep on going a couple times a week....If I pray - a lot! If I just get in a few good habits - one at a time. If I take it step by step, prayer by prayer, day by day. If I visualize myself there with every work-out - or every time I'm sitting on the couch not wanting to work out. Maybe. For now I think I'll just think of the possibility of a triathalon one work-out at a time. Nebulous - out there - an unknown possibility - up to now unreachable - but exploring the possibility. Triathamom 2013 - I think I'll try to meet you there.

Times of Peace

21 April 2012

I feel better spiritually than I have for quite a while. It always amazes me how Heavenly Father blesses even my smallest efforts. Just one week ago I was so upset because of the way Issa was manipulating and using my children, plus I’d been feeling kind of empty for a long time. Today I feel so filled. I’ve been trying to make more efforts to pray and study my scriptures. I’ve been asking the Lord to heal my hurt feelings – especially in regards to Him. I’ve been trying to open my heart and take down my walls and trust and let Him heal me. And He has. The other thing that has helped is that I’m trying to make a conscious effort to think of others more. Last Wednesday we had our Relief Society activity and we did the wonderful made such a huge impact on me up there and helped me to heal a lot and know of the huge love the Lord has for me.  This time I got to help present it to the sisters. As I led my sisters into the R.S. room blindfolded I was overcome with a beautiful witness to how important it is that we serve and lovingly care for each other. I felt like it was such a privilege to guide them to their places. Then as we listened to the soul-touching music and I helped pass around the different items representing the Savior’s life and ministry and Atonement, not only did my heart burn with a love for Jesus Christ, but I felt so much love for each of the sisters. It was a night of testifying Spirit and overwhelming love.

Thursday I took my students on a field trip and I was worried that they wouldn’t enjoy it and prayed that it would be a good experience – it was much better than I expected. I felt so much love for those kids and the opportunity to serve them!

Friday I served my favorite people – my boys!! We had a fabulous science birthday party for Yousef with 12 little boys and lots of WOWS, OOHs, and explosions!! I love that kid! And my sweet little Ammon! They are good boys and I am blessed beyond measure!! I just love them so much!!!

Then today – my sweet Jessica received her endowments in the House of the Lord! Many prayers and fasting and some good teaching from her parents went into getting her there and I’m so happy for her and her great courage!

My house is a disaster – and I exaggerate not! I need to lose a huge amount of weight! But my heart is full of love  - love for my Savior and love from Him, love for my wonderful boys, love for my family and the many wonderful friends I have,  and I have peace. Peace with the very imperfect person that I am. Peace with the life I’ve been given. Peace with the direction I’m moving in. And I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for that love and peace.

I always think that when I'm down and depressed about my weight - that will be the time that will motivate me, but it's not true. At those times it just seems impossible, overwhelming, fateful. But today, where I'm at, I feel hope, possibility, more like my real self and that real self is ready to step out of this huge costume I've been wearing. This place I'm at encourages making plans, setting things into motion. Only when I feel good about who I am, is weight loss at all a possibility.

Emergence

2011 - is a year of EMERGING.

I am emerging from the cocoon that has held me tight, protecting me, allowing me to grow and metamorphose. The cocoon has at times felt like a trap, a prison and perhaps I have stayed much too long. Just maybe I have been afraid to be all that I may be. Maybe I spun extra layers of safety. Layers spun out of fear of failure, fear of being unlovable, fear of never being enough. Fear.
Not soft, caressing silk. Not a pliable, disposable ektoskeleton.
No, fear is thick, almost impermeable. It suffocates. It blocks life-giving light. It extinguishes oxygen and sucks out all growth inducing nutrients. Fear. A horrible nemesis to becoming who one is meant to be. But if one can break through such a cocoon, and take all the lessons learned, all the pain suffered and finally emerge, one is sure to be a magnificent specimen. Just watch what I will emerge as, this very year. This is my year.
First I must own the very stuff that my protective shell is composed of – really from which it has been forged. Truly I have always feared I would never be enough. Not good enough for my Heavenly Father. Certainly not good enough for my earthly father. And most likely never good enough for a good, kind man to love. It doesn’t matter any more why this feeling developed or from whence it came. It is. It has been my core since as long as I can remember. Always wanting to please. Always wanting to be perfect. Not in a “everything I make and do must be perfect”. No, that misconception is what hid this feeling of perfectionism for so long from my own recognition. It is not anything outwardly that I do…it is me, who I am. My very being, I have to be perfect or I am unlovable. Who I am, not what I do. If I am not perfect, you cannot possibly love me or want to be with me. If I am not perfect, how can the Lord be anything but disappointed in me? When others compliment me, or praise something I have done, or express love or appreciation for who I am, my first thought is, “They are just being nice” or “Sarcasm” or “If only they knew how much better it should have or could have been.” I doubt every word of praise, admiration, or appreciation. I view everything, every relationship as temporary, as precarious – ready to topple as soon as they realize or tire of me. I stay behind the wall of my cocoon, keeping back, trying to give and love them without truly allowing anyone to get too close to my fragile self. If I truly let them in, they won’t like me. Or just as bad, they’ll go away. They always go away. I have to be strong. I have to be able to stand alone. In the end I’m all I have. Everyone else has others. But I must protect myself. Sometimes a moth will put feces, rough hair, sticks, etc in their cocoon as they spin it, to protect themselves. To keep predators away. I have used my weight as the feces of my cocoon. It keeps me safe. It is my scapegoat. My weight makes me unlovable. It is not I who is undesirable. Not who I really am. If only I was thin….
But what if I emerge from my safe cocoon and I still am undesirable? What if I can’t fly? What if my wings are discolored? What if …
Fear be damned!!! I will no longer live in fear. I can no long be trapped by fear. I am peeling away the cocoon of self-recrimination, self-loathing, entitlement (who says I was entitled to a perfectly happy youth, parents who adored me no matter what, parents who loved and respected each other, an intact, closely woven family unit, a society that taught correct principles and allowed girls to understand their true worth, a man who cherished me?), and layer upon layer of fear.
I am emerging. Michelle. Imperfect. Needy. Fallible. Somewhat lazy. Unfocused. Easily distracted. Still yearning for love. A cloud of fear still lurking about. But look at the colors on those wings!! Creative, fun, unquenchable desire to learn and experience life, loads of love for others, cheerfulness, solid in faith, and persistent. Yes, I have persevered and I will continue to. And I have been blessed with lots of the energy of life to fly forth from this cocoon. Face the fears, the failures, the future – no matter what. And just this miracle of flight, given to me and sustained by my Heavenly Father, gives me joy and hope! Come what may. I am never going back into that cocoon. I am emerging – the true Michelle. The one who stood shoulder to shoulder with her loved ones on the side of the Savior and fought for this earthly experience. The Michelle who knows deep inside that she is truly a daughter of God which is in no way a trite statement but a declaration of inheritance, of potential, of worth. That no matter what storms may try to bring me down, no matter what predators may try to destroy me, I know why I fly, I know how my great Creator took all the sorrow and hardship and transformed it into the strong, beautiful wings that grace my emergence and flight through life.
I am casting off the cocoon of fear. Disposing of the layers of fat that have been the building material of this cocoon. Reclaiming my healthy, beautiful, imperfect body. I am a healthy, physically fit, active, creature of flight. Watch me soar!!!

Thou Shalt Not Judge - or Watch Out For Karma!!

Several years ago I realized that God doesn't give us laws and commandments just because He's seeing if we'll do what He says - He's really trying to save us as much grief and as many problems as possible. Personally I've found that one of those commandments that will really bite you in the butt if you don't follow it is, "Thou shall not judge lest by that same judgement you shall be judged".
Have you ever been driving and thought, or said really loudly, "What an idiot! Why did they do that? How stupid! IDIOT!"
Then...at some later date...you do pretty much the same stupid mistake?
Judge someone, say, "I would never do that," criticize another for their actions, etc. then - ouch, you find yourself in the same situation or acting in a similar fashion. Embarrasing. It happens to me in life more and more consistently - or maybe I'm just noticing it more.
Jodi and Mark love to give me a hard time about all the things I said in the last ten years about their child-rearing choices. You know, things like, "You're letting Brendon sleep with you? I thought you weren't supposed to do that" (spoken somewhat increduously). I now find myself needing a king-size bed for our family of four. (By the way - the psychologist said there was nothing wrong with the family bed.)
The problem is it also happens over more serious things. In fact, now a shiver of fear and dread comes over me whenever a judgement slips out of my mouth. It's an invitation for a visit from Karma. So, now I'm really, really, really trying to avoid judgement at all costs! I make enough mistakes on my own without bringing on any karma-induced problems. Unfortunately I could give you a list of many judgements that I've made that I am now, or have, done myself - however I don't want you judging my wicked self and bring retribution upon yourself. Thou shalt not judge or sometime, somehow you'll find yourself in a similar predicament!!

Yousef's a Big Brother!

Yousef's mostly kissy, huggy, and loving to the new baby - except when he's trying to sit on, smother, or tear him out of my arms!

The Miracle of New Life

Tiny feet and hands,
little pouty mouth,
eyes shining with the newness of life.
Breathing in and out.
Knows when and how much fuel his little body needs.
Automatic digestive system, working perfectly - and often.
Precious beating of his healthy heart.
He is a miracle!
In nine short months this perfectly functioning human being was created - and I got to play a part in this divine creation! I am imperfect, seriously flawed, but willing - oh so willing. God used my body to bring this beautiful soul into our fabulous and troubled world. That is indeed amazing - and the begininning of the greatest joys!
Two and a half years ago, through a true adventure and dip into the valley of death, God gave me the most wonderful blessing, my greatest joy - the opportunity to be Yousef's mom. I love and adore this fantastic soul! We play, dance, read stories, build & knock down block creations, play play-dough, imagine with toys, visit the farm, go on walks, and watch far too many videos together.
Now we are so excited to get to know this tremendous little bundle of personality and fun!
I am grateful and humbled that the Lord allowed me to receive these two boys into my heart, my home, and my life!! I am thankful for an uneventful delivery, a strong, healthy baby, and so much love in my life!! Much thanks to all who have visited us, fed us, bestowed us with gifts - both tangible and emotional, and loved us. You are invaluable in my life!! May God bless you richly!!