Secret Desire - Triathamom 2013

It's true - I have a secret desire to participate in "Triathamom" next summer. I know it seems utterly and completely impossible with my dreadful track record of sticking to absolutely nothing except loving my boys! Plus I'm 120 lbs heavier than I want to be/should be. Oh, and did I mention in the worse physical condition I've ever been in - like winded EASILY, tired A LOT, and basically a major wimp! 1 mile on a bike just about kills me, no I mean it. 1 baby mile! Walking to school and back (abt 2 miles) - can't wait to hit the couch. Swimming a lap and back - heavy breathing and screaming muscles. SO... triathamom is a 5k run (I never run - but maybe I can walk it), 300m swim (approximately 4 times as many laps as I currently swim without stopping), and a 13 mile bike ride - did you hear that? Nay read that?! 13 miles!!!! I know - it's pitiful that those relatively small amounts are overwhelming and undoable for me, but them are the facts folks. Thus, even contemplating such a task as a triathalon - even a mini one, is absolutely ridiculoso!! And yet....I really kind of want to. Now I've wanted to lose 100 pounds for years now and have only gained back what I did lose, plus a few new hanger-oners. I'm great with lots of fabulous ideas, but horrible on follow-through. Impossible. And yet....Maybe....Maybe this time....I kind of want to succeed this time. Truly. I can't do it by myself. I'll need the Lord's help undoubtedly. I love food. I love sweets - really love them. I am an addictive eater. Food is my drug and I am a full-on abuser. I'm in such horrible shape that any work-out seems, well, completely overwhelming. And yet.....I have really enjoyed swimming and water aerobics this summer. If we keep on going a couple times a week....If I pray - a lot! If I just get in a few good habits - one at a time. If I take it step by step, prayer by prayer, day by day. If I visualize myself there with every work-out - or every time I'm sitting on the couch not wanting to work out. Maybe. For now I think I'll just think of the possibility of a triathalon one work-out at a time. Nebulous - out there - an unknown possibility - up to now unreachable - but exploring the possibility. Triathamom 2013 - I think I'll try to meet you there.

Times of Peace

21 April 2012

I feel better spiritually than I have for quite a while. It always amazes me how Heavenly Father blesses even my smallest efforts. Just one week ago I was so upset because of the way Issa was manipulating and using my children, plus I’d been feeling kind of empty for a long time. Today I feel so filled. I’ve been trying to make more efforts to pray and study my scriptures. I’ve been asking the Lord to heal my hurt feelings – especially in regards to Him. I’ve been trying to open my heart and take down my walls and trust and let Him heal me. And He has. The other thing that has helped is that I’m trying to make a conscious effort to think of others more. Last Wednesday we had our Relief Society activity and we did the wonderful made such a huge impact on me up there and helped me to heal a lot and know of the huge love the Lord has for me.  This time I got to help present it to the sisters. As I led my sisters into the R.S. room blindfolded I was overcome with a beautiful witness to how important it is that we serve and lovingly care for each other. I felt like it was such a privilege to guide them to their places. Then as we listened to the soul-touching music and I helped pass around the different items representing the Savior’s life and ministry and Atonement, not only did my heart burn with a love for Jesus Christ, but I felt so much love for each of the sisters. It was a night of testifying Spirit and overwhelming love.

Thursday I took my students on a field trip and I was worried that they wouldn’t enjoy it and prayed that it would be a good experience – it was much better than I expected. I felt so much love for those kids and the opportunity to serve them!

Friday I served my favorite people – my boys!! We had a fabulous science birthday party for Yousef with 12 little boys and lots of WOWS, OOHs, and explosions!! I love that kid! And my sweet little Ammon! They are good boys and I am blessed beyond measure!! I just love them so much!!!

Then today – my sweet Jessica received her endowments in the House of the Lord! Many prayers and fasting and some good teaching from her parents went into getting her there and I’m so happy for her and her great courage!

My house is a disaster – and I exaggerate not! I need to lose a huge amount of weight! But my heart is full of love  - love for my Savior and love from Him, love for my wonderful boys, love for my family and the many wonderful friends I have,  and I have peace. Peace with the very imperfect person that I am. Peace with the life I’ve been given. Peace with the direction I’m moving in. And I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for that love and peace.

I always think that when I'm down and depressed about my weight - that will be the time that will motivate me, but it's not true. At those times it just seems impossible, overwhelming, fateful. But today, where I'm at, I feel hope, possibility, more like my real self and that real self is ready to step out of this huge costume I've been wearing. This place I'm at encourages making plans, setting things into motion. Only when I feel good about who I am, is weight loss at all a possibility.