Last night I was waiting outside my friend's apartment for him to come let me in. An attractive, foreign man kept watching me, then walked passed and said hello, then circled back. He started his pick-up routine just as my handsome date appeared. Foreign men and non-Mormon (I'm Mormon) seem to like me. They recognize that my weight is just one small aspect of who I am. They see past the extra pounds to the beautiful woman I am. They see me. I love this quote, "You are not fat, you have fat. You have fingernails but you are not fingernails." Mormon men see my weight which negates any true qualities I have in their minds. Sad. Sad for women and sad for them. I have held on tightly to that weight, partially as a protection against such idiocy (my dad was the first one to teach me that my worth was directly tied to my weight). I'm ready to let go. It really doesn't matter what I look like, how old I am, what my marital status, career, worldly success is, I am a daughter of God, created in their image and I am a wonderful person! I have tons of friends who see more than I see, but I'm starting to see it. I have lots of love in my heart and get along with most people. On my mission people used to tell me "du strahlst!" - you shine! People say, "Michelle lights up the room when she walks in." It was a gift the Lord gave me. A certain happiness and love for life and people. My shine has been dimmed and tarnished a bit, but the Lord and I have been polishing it up and I'm ready to shine again! I've got important work to do in this world and one the gifts I need to be sharing is love! One of my trainers in the Missionary Training Center said to me when I was questioning what I could give the German people said, "Michelle, you have so much love and such a happiness. The Germans need that." Don't we all? All of us have such hard things we're dealing with. Most of my friends have faced or are facing really challenging trials - I can lift their burdens, help carry the load.
I haven't loved myself for so long, or felt that the Lord has approved of me or been pleased with me because I was never good enough. Such a lie of the deceiver! He's always loved me. His love is not conditional on how "perfect" I am, how much I do, what I weigh or even what mistakes I make! He came to heal, to love, to let us be perfect in Him. Oh, how I love Him! He has been working overtime healing me these last few years. First from feeling that I'd let him down, then from being abused to the point of feeling completely worthless, and now from all the parental criticism (both his and my own critical parent dialogues). The Lord is finally breaking down the big, thick walls I built around my little heart and reprogramming my brain. Watch out world! I'm coming back! With all the huge amounts of energy in my little body, all the love the Lord blesses me with, my happy self and love of life - let's change this world!!
So - quote of the week - Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on. - Cohen
Ready to move on!! Letting go of the protective suit of excess weight. Counting on the Lord and the gift of discernment to make sure I marry one of the few men who don't equate body with worth. But I'm ready to live again! All the things I so love to do - mountains, hiking, backpacking, swimming, biking, racquetball, dancing, theater! And all sorts of new things!! This is the life and the mom I want for my boys!
I've already released ten pounds and I never want to see them again. Their repressive friends will be joining them in the next few weeks and months. I'm reclaiming myself!!! Wahoo!
