21 April 2012
I feel better spiritually than I have for quite a
while. It always amazes me how Heavenly Father blesses even my smallest
efforts. Just one week ago I was so upset because of the way Issa was
manipulating and using my children, plus I’d been feeling kind of empty for a
long time. Today I feel so filled. I’ve been trying to make more efforts to
pray and study my scriptures. I’ve been asking the Lord to heal my hurt
feelings – especially in regards to Him. I’ve been trying to open my heart and
take down my walls and trust and let Him heal me. And He has. The other thing
that has helped is that I’m trying to make a conscious effort to think of
others more. Last Wednesday we had our Relief Society activity and we did the
wonderful made such a huge impact on me up there and helped me to heal a lot
and know of the huge love the Lord has for me.
This time I got to help present it to the sisters. As I led my sisters
into the R.S. room blindfolded I was overcome with a beautiful witness to how
important it is that we serve and lovingly care for each other. I felt like it
was such a privilege to guide them to their places. Then as we listened to the
soul-touching music and I helped pass around the different items representing
the Savior’s life and ministry and Atonement, not only did my heart burn with a
love for Jesus Christ, but I felt so much love for each of the sisters. It was
a night of testifying Spirit and overwhelming love.
Thursday I took my students on a field trip and I
was worried that they wouldn’t enjoy it and prayed that it would be a good
experience – it was much better than I expected. I felt so much love for those
kids and the opportunity to serve them!
Friday I served my favorite people – my boys!! We
had a fabulous science birthday party for Yousef with 12 little boys and lots
of WOWS, OOHs, and explosions!! I love that kid! And my sweet little Ammon!
They are good boys and I am blessed beyond measure!! I just love them so
much!!!
Then today – my sweet Jessica received her
endowments in the House of the Lord! Many prayers and fasting and some good
teaching from her parents went into getting her there and I’m so happy for her
and her great courage!
My house is a disaster – and I exaggerate not! I
need to lose a huge amount of weight! But my heart is full of love - love for my Savior and love from Him, love
for my wonderful boys, love for my family and the many wonderful friends I
have, and I have peace. Peace with the
very imperfect person that I am. Peace with the life I’ve been given. Peace
with the direction I’m moving in. And I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father
for that love and peace.
I always think that when I'm down and depressed about my weight - that will be the time that will motivate me, but it's not true. At those times it just seems impossible, overwhelming, fateful. But today, where I'm at, I feel hope, possibility, more like my real self and that real self is ready to step out of this huge costume I've been wearing. This place I'm at encourages making plans, setting things into motion. Only when I feel good about who I am, is weight loss at all a possibility.
